A TEACHER IN HIDING

I am a teacher. I teach psychopaths: they know I am their teacher, they don't' know they are psychopaths. I go up the stairs, down the corridor, up the stairs again, into an endless cave of tunnels, corridors and cages, so to speak, little classroom, big classroom. I go in, the tutor is sitting at her desk talking over the phone, and she signals with her hand that she will be with me soon. How soon? I wonder, I take a look around, trying to look normal, trying to look like a teacher: concerned, self-assured, and competent. I am not; I am puzzled to say the least. What do they want me to do? Teach? Baby seat? Tell them that everything is all right when it's not? I could walk in and say what I really think: ‘I would like some normal students please. Do you have any? Or do we just get psychopaths these days?’ I can't, there is a rule and I have learned it very fast, it's called lying.'

She is free now; she puts down the phone and invites me to sit down. I say hallo and introduce myself, she knows, she was waiting for me. She is friendly and confident the opposite of me, but I have a slight advantage I really know what's going on in the classroom. I can lie for a while but then the truth kicks in and I get an unpleasant tamping in my temple and that's when I start telling what I think.

I am here to talk about Romeo. It’s impossible to teach with him in the classroom.

What does he do? Where do I start? He interrupts every 3 seconds. I am talking seconds, not minutes, and it's not a figure of speech, I have actually timed it. I believe he must have some problems, no one behaves like that after the age of five and he is seventeen.

The tutor looks at me 'really? I am not aware of any underlying problem, not as far as I know; at least it's not in his record. If there are (problems) they have never been spotted in his previous schools'

Ok, wait a minute, I am not a psychologist but anyone who can't stop making noises, using his desk as a percussion drum and wandering around the room bothering all the girls, asking irrelevant and stupid questions that have nothing to do with the lesson, can't be just fine. This is a college after all, is it not? Are they not supposed to study here?

I'll talk to him' she says. I know how good that'll do. Meanwhile the other tutors have all turned around and are looking at me. I can see from their expression that they are feeling sorry for me. I can smell pity, just what I need!

'Mobiles’ I continue 'why do we allow students to use them during lessons?' Too many questions, time over. She says she'll do her best, she'll have a chat with him, and he is a nice boy after all. I know I say, I have nothing against him, he is a nice boy just not a nice student. And I am a teacher and I have to put up with absolutely everything, it's in my contract, it's not actually written down but it is written in transparent ink somewhere and if you put your contract on a candle light it will all appear.

I am not a good teacher, I know. I am not convincing enough and I don't really want to be in the classroom, teenagers scare me. I was scared of them even when I was a teenager myself. I have never understood them and I still don't. I know they have to prove something but I don't want them having to prove it to me. Why me? (I know I am supposed to be a surrogate parent but parents these days are mostly absent, so why am I here? Shouldn’t I be sitting in the office while their study in their classroom?) I don't need convincing of any kind. I am here to teach. No, not true I am here because some of the time and of the hours in the schedule have to be filled in.

I believe in a different system, I strongly believe that schools, as we know them, shouldn't exist after age 10, which is the age when they can still behave themselves. I would only send children to school up to that age. After that they should be confined to their school-bedroom listening to video-lessons; they can stop at any time to go to the loo, get a bite to eat, talk to their parents, look at their mobile and play a video game. What they cannot do of course is shout to the teacher, talk to a classmate, lough and disturb the lesson. As they are the only one in the room all they need to do is to get on with it, listen, study, learn, do the computer exercises and at the end have interactive lessons to check their progress. I believe this system would be very beneficial for all students because they would learn a very useful thing in life called RESPONSABILITIES. No more 'please, put your mobile away.' No more ‘can you repeat, please', 'can you go back to your paper, please', 'stop rolling those cigarettes. I can see you'.

A friend of mine was horrified at my scheme and asked me how would they learn how to socialize. That is exactly the point, I said, I don't think socializing with other teenagers is a good idea; they become copycats and learn bad behaviours from others. Besides teenagers hate to be seen as good and reasonable even when they are good and reasonable. Even model students like breaking rules and don't want to appear 'good' in front of their peers. Divide and rule, my ancestors knew that a thousand years ago. 'I cannot believe that you think this system would work,’ said my friend visibly irritated, ‘It breaches human rights'. 'Human rights? But can't you see that that is exactly the point! They are not human yet'

'What do you mean? You can't be serious.'

'Yes I am. They could still go out, see their friends, be as silly as they like in different environments but they would separate work and learning from enjoyment.'

'You see, that's where I believe you are wrong, learning should be fun' she replied.

'Yes I know, and that's exactly why they have so much fun during lessons, they think it's a joke.'

'You are being disruptive, and I know you don't really mean it'

I do, I do, my voice screamed inside me.

(Of course this is just fiction. I do like my students…at least most of the time)